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Hawkeye's Tips, and Suggestions for the Survival of Noobs.

by
SHIE- I mean Profiles Noob Rules, Tips, Etiquette and Suggestions 001-100

Side note: I didn't bother to completely edit this- why bother, most people here don't!

Everyone is new, or was new to profiles at some point in time. Navigating the web pages and chat can seem difficult at times, and impossible at others. The females of the site elusive, and the regulars downright snobby. These tips, some more useful than others, have been designed or re-written with you the Noob in mind.

Tip 001- A/S/L. If you have to ask, it means you didn't even take the time to glance at the profile that we've taken the time to fill out with you in mind. In our profile you'll not only find the answer to this question, but some of our sexual preferences, and our sexual orientation *gasp* what a shocker.

Tip 002- Always make more coffee if you empty the pot. You do not want to know the consequences if you fail to do so.

Tip 003- Text Speak. Why don't we bother to answer you if all you say is just hi, or hey bb,u wanna fuk? If you can't be bothered to spell out everything, most have us have learned, the hard way, that you're just here to get your self off, and don't really have consideration for the other person (us) on the other side of the screen. Or you're in a rush which means the second that you cum, you're going to leave. We want to cum too!

Tip 004- We're lesbian! This doesn't mean that we like dick sometimes, part of the time, or every second Sunday of the month. We like vagina. All the time. We're not here for the dick. Ever. So please don't bother asking.

Tip 005- Please use caution when approaching a chat area with ceiling tiles. Hawkeye likes to hide in them with advanced NERF weaponry and attack unsuspecting strangers.

Tip 006- We're just looking to chat! Sometimes we aren't all here for sex ( yes this may come as a surprise to you! ) but not all of us are here for just sex any more. After a while many of the regular users develop friendships with other users and come back here to just chat and catch up with friends. Don't get irritated if we aren't looking to fuck, join in the conversation! Most of us don't bite- too hard.

Tip 007- Please don't offer to expose yourself to us. If we want to see your dick, most of us aren't shy about asking. If you do wanna show off your most prized possession- take your time and make your pic look good. We don't want to see an untamed matted pubic jungle, or garbage on the floor. It takes away from the subject!

Tip 008- Do not volunteer for any tests that Hawkeye asks you to volunteer for. Ever.

Tip 009- wolf_cub, sassy_girl, and Hawkeye should never be looked towards as a behavioral role model- under any circumstances.

Tip 010- Spamming- this is something that irritates even the most patient of users. Who wants to see the same damn thing every time? If you MUST re-post a message show some variety, and don't post the message back to back. Wait ten minutes or so before posting your advertisement.

Tip 011- Creating your Account, when you create your account be truthful about what you're looking for. We all have some fantasies that most of us wish to act upon. Take your time filling out the areas, and you may be surprised by the interest that you may spark! We're more likely to talk to a user with a profile than an 'inmate' or 'guest'.

Tip 012- AweSum is more than he appears. Make him angry, and you may find yourself out on your ass.

Tip 013- If you eat the last cookie from the jar, you may find yourself at the receiving end of a rampage, Hawkeye is very serious about her cookies and doesn't mess around. Expect an exponential increase of text in your direction, none of it cheerful.

Tip 014- No matter how long the person has been here, unless the names are in red, dark blue, or light blue they aren't in charge. Though some of them may be helpful in getting situated around chat.

Tip 015- Verification. If you really like knowing that you're talking to who you say you are, or you want others to know that they truly are talking to a real person- take the time and get verified. Of course, you don't have to do this. That female on the other end though, who isn't verified may just have a penis. Mine is purple and sparkly ;-)

Tip 016- Yes there are plenty of secrets around chat. No, you'll never learn what they are.

Tip 017- Contrary to popular belief Sola does not hide the bodies of people who have displeased her under the floorboards of her bedroom. We've checked. Twice.

Tip 018-Hit on LaughingMuse at your own risk. Resulting injuries are not covered by standard profiles healthcare plans.

Tip 019- The dishes in the sink of the kitchen are not meant to be lab cultures. Wash them and put away what you eat from. We aren't here to clean up after you.

Tip 020- Please refrain from excess talk of religion. Everyone has their own beliefs. Steve Rogers believes there is only one god despite having met Thor and Loki. We're all entitled to our own opinions.

Tip 021- speaking of Thor, if you happen to see Mjölnir hanging around please refrain from decorating it like a spirit stick. Despite his loud voice, Thor is not a cheerleader.

Tip 022- The lobby/main room is not for fucking. No matter how appealing it may be to you, not everyone wants to see you going at it like rabbits, despite how 'hot' you believe it to be.

Tip 023- Profilesbot is not an actual robot and magnets do not stick to him, so try to stop yourself from throwing fridge magnets at him. We've tried.

Tip 024- Trolls are a valid threat, and should not be casually dismissed and labelled as cannon fodder, tempting as it may be.

Tip 025- Bitching about said trolls is pretty much useless. You have an ignore button. Use it. Unless you're on the mobile version of chat and do not have the capabilities to ignore them. Then bitching is perfectly acceptable and understood.

Tip 026- Many of these tips are for your benefit and should not be used as a bucket list to see how many of these suggestions/rules you can break. These tips are for the smooth running of this site and are for the benefit of everyone.

Tip 027- Improvised Weapons Training is not to be used for advance office or room warfare. Please refrain from strangling people with your wired mouse or blinding someone with your paperclips, no matter how appealing the thought.

Tip 028- If you have a meeting with a moderator, make sure you take a snack with you. You may be there for a while. They tend to have a lot to say.

Tip 029- Yes there are betting pools for virtually everything you can possibly think of, no they are not sanctioned by Profiles. Hunt them down in your own time and bet at your own risk.

Tip 030- After many failed attempts, we're no longer allowed to create moonshine in the science labs, and if we do, we're not allowed to sell it. Under any circumstances.

Tip 031- Filling coffee pots with water and aquatic wildlife may seem like a good prank, but it's not. Apparently it's a health hazard- we've been asked to refrain.

Tip 032- Hawkeye becomes rather cranky when there are no cookies to be had in the jar or for purchase in the vending machines. If this is the case please watch your head for any flying projectiles in the area. Particularly if you have some.

Tip 033- Complaints to Admin/Moderators are not to be filled out in haiku, limerick or any other form of poetry. No matter how tempting.

Tip 034- Covering yourself with glitter and then running through the lobby/main room screaming about sex pollen attacking you is random. And already has been done. We'll only quarantine you in the craft room and you'll only be wasting your time.

Tip 035- Captain 'Merica's shield is not a snack bowl, neither is Thor's helmet.

Tip 036- Your 'took an arrow to the knee' jokes have already been done. There's no need to tell them to Hawkeye, she's heard them all, and is likely to put an arrow through both knees.

Tip 037- High powered laser devices have many uses- making toast, toasting poptarts, boiling water, spot tanning and making popcorn are not those uses.

Tip 038- Please refrain from feeding sassy, cub or Hawkeye sugar in generous amounts. She gets twitchy.

Tip 038- taking food from the fridge that is not yours is considered rude in any of the rooms. If you do take food that doesn't belong to you, please note bodily harm may follow consumption. Food not labelled with anyone's name, nick name or callsign is considered fair game.

Tip 039- Always keep Murphy's law in mind. Always remember that what can go wrong here, can get exponentially worse than in most places.

Tip 040- Seasonal or not, Hawkeye is not cupid.

Tip 041- Do not bring girl scout cookies on the premises unless you have enough to share.

Tip 042- 'I do what I want, when I want' is not valid rationale unless you're admin, or have a rocket launcher like Director Fury. Unless you have either', try not to have this attitude.

Tip 043- listening to what drunk chat members say causes migraines, it's best not to try and translate the text. If it's highly important they'll remember for tomorrow.

Tip 044- it is highly known that there are no rules regarding inter-chat relationships. There are also no rules about fucking on the kitchen table. However we ask you take it to PM, because... We eat there. No one wants cold cum on their toast.

Tip 045- there is no formal or informal competition to make any pysch personal need to take an extended vacation- or make them take leave from work due to mental health reasons.

Tip 046- Calling Hawkeye Legolas, Katniss, or Robin Hood leaves you open to target practice with improvised weapons and ammunition.

Tip 047- Feel free to join in on Bats conversations but be damn sure what you have to say is relevant.

Tip 048- cartoon ties are not only tacky but prohibited.

Tip 049- Twister and naked twister are not on the list of sanctioned team building activities.

Tip 050- No one besides Admin have an all access pass despite what others say- not even moderators.

Tip 051- We are all adults here, and the moderators are not here to baby sit us, therefore we are not to call them as such.

Tip 052- Just because these tips are aimed at noobs does not mean that they aren't good for everyone else.

Tip 053- When emailing admin with complaints, requests etc, please use blue or black colored text, they don't need a touch of whimsy.

Tip 054- freezers are not to be used to store snowballs for warmer weather, if found they will be destroyed.

Tip 055- if you try to hide a secret cache of gourmet coffee it will be found and used.

Tip 056- there is no secret underground profiles fight club. We aren't,t just saying that because of the first rule of fight club.

Tip 057- We do not negotiate with trolls. We do however stall and make annoyances of ourselves until back up arrives.

Tip 058- Military grade pepper spray is not to be used as a condiment for French fries.

Tip 059- E- Cookies are a valid form of currency on Profiles' unofficial economy of favors.

Tip 060- if you have to ask if something is allowed than you probably already know the answer.

Tip 061- Always be aware of the levels of 'coolness' and never assume how many there are. There will always be someone who's above you.

Tip 062- please be aware of all memos, rule changes and announcements from Profilesbot, it's really better for your mental health.

Tip 063- Making fun of the questions on the pysch evaluation is never a good idea.

Tip 064- there is absolutely nothing that is completely incapable as being used as a weapon.

Tip 065- Yo Mama jokes? Over rated

Tip 066- relationships with in Profiles ranks are tricky. Proceed with caution.

Tip 067- submissives are not slaves, nor are we here to cater to your every desire.

Tip 068- the term 'no-limits' is extremely over used- no limits includes pedophilia, snuff, bestiality, scat, incest and other assorted fetishes.

Tip 069- If you start hearing voices in your head, please alert someone in authority. You could be being attacked by telepathic aliens.

Tip 070- if you lose a bet to Hawkeye and are incapable of making good on your half of the bargain, there are cookies in the second floor kitchen under the sink.

Tip 071- Falling asleep around Hawkeye if you talk in your sleep is a bad idea, she will use what you say in your sleep against you.

Tip 072- never gossip about people's love lives in the lobby while people aren't there- they will stumble in at the worst times.

Tip 073- if you know admin/moderators are looking for you it's bad form to hide under guest accounts until the heat dies down.

Tip 074- decontamination showers are not thinly veiled excuses for strip teases.

Tip 075- there is no upcoming Rocky Horror dress up day. nor will there be one in the future.

Tip 076- Enthusiasm is good, over enthusiasm causes head aches all around..

Tip 077- sending pornographic messages to your best friends is highly discouraged. However if you proceed with inappropriate contact back make sure not to hit reply all.

Tip 078- 'We have a hulk' is not a valid response in an argument, though it is fun to say.

Tip 079- We have a lot of impressive toys- use them wisely and responsibly.

Tip 080- the food served at profiles is healthy, nutritious and made from the freshest quality ingredients. It is never 'mystery meat'.

Tip 081- it is entirely possible to disable hostiles while tied to a chair.

Tip 082- Can not is a phrase that should not be in your vocabulary.

Tip 083- Very few things are exactly as they appear.

Tip 084- Walking away from an explosion without looking back is considered 'cool'. What isn't cool is ending up in a hospital for months because you took a piece of shrapnel to the back because you didn't see it flying at you. Bear that in mind.

Tip 085- If you engage Hawkeye in a food fight you will lose. Miserably.

Tip 086- profiles does not authorize egg hunts, nor the distribution of live animals. Chocolate is acceptable.

Tip 087- Archimus is the king of puns.

Tip 088- Lurkers will always be lurkers- try not to draw them out of their shell to much.

Tip 089- There is no standard recruitment process. Anyone who tells you differently lies.

Tip 090- karma is a popularity contest. There is no prize for the most karma collected.

Tip 091- when in doubt, or in trouble, always blame the troll. Not a policy, but generally a good rule of thumb.

Tip 092- kittens are not useful allies while trying to take over the world. Unless all your enemies have allergies.

Tip 093- The PXXX sexual bucket list is not profiles sanctioned. Any attempts to fuck on SouthernFem's desk will end up with you having severe bodily harm done to you.

Tip 094- Use caution when entering Hawkeye's nest. She's very territorial.

Tip 095- Despite Hawkeye's claims, traveling through rooms through the air ducts is not an approved form of travel. You will get stuck before you really get any where.

Tip 096- Deduction is a tactic rarely used- if you know what you're talking about go for it.

Tip 097- Sarcasm is the leading language on here-

Tip 098- If you assist Hawkeye in stashing NERF weaponry do not be surprised, or expect sympathy, when she turns around and uses them on you.

Tip 099- Sola sees all. ALL.

Tip 100- Please stop suggesting group therapy to members of chat. We've tried it with no success.

If you made it this far congratulations. There may be more tips added in the future.